New baby in the cradle and the elephant in the room!

When a new mother welcomes her most awaited gift which she grows in her womb for nine months, there are many more troublesome, uninvited guests which slip their way in her life during the welcoming party. 

The sleep becomes a luxury which is basically non existent, the peer pressure of being a perfect mother, the initial struggle with breastfeeding, the unrealistic expectations of shedding the pregnancy weight soonest, Chiefly facing the fact that her body and life are altered in an irreversibly way which is enough to catch her in an emotional whirlwind which we in clinical term call postpartum depression. I was served a big scoop of the baby blues when I became a mother for the first time. 

The stretch marks on my body, which once homed my beautiful twin boys, talks to me loudly, It is empowering! But the awe and acceptance I have now for the the tiger stripes etched on me was not there when I became a new mother, it took four and a half years of unconditioning. I absolutely loathed them. I was appalled after my delivery by the fact that the slight reddish indented streaks running on my body during pregnancy were darker and more prominent now and the bump didn't disappear even the slightest after birthing the boys. It was like an empty baby sack I was supposed to tuck in using post pregnancy belt which made me sweat like a pig and hurted my back so bad. 

After all the anticipation my babies were finally out in the world but not in my arms. Because of the stitches and the anaesthesia I was not the first one to hold them. My husband, mother, sister, aunt and my bestfriend took turns for taking care of the boys. Deep down I missed the tiny feets giving me high fives and ninja kicks inside my womb whenever I used to devour on a piece of dark chocolate or smoothly make dolphin moves when I used to listen to our favourite piece of music. It was like having my own tribe within me witnessing and cheering me in all of my highs and lows. The tiny beings who came out of me, swaddled and sleeping in my people's arms as if they held no memory of time spent inside me and that was disorientating.

I had a C-section in my 36th week of pregnancy and my body failed me in making milk for the first two days post delivery, my babies were born too small to latch so the nurses used to hand express the milk for me initially, I can never forget that place of pain and shame. I felt insufficient as a mother and felt sorry for my boys.

The third day post delivery was the biggest nightmare of any new mother's life, my younger twin had neonatal seizures and he had to be shifted to NICU. He was treated there for a week, the sudden separation took a toll on my mental sanity. I was clueless of how to handle my haywire emotions. I was asked to sleep it off which by god's grace I could afford to do as I had too many hands to help me at that time. But my brain refused to let me sleep, I spent most of the time digging my face in the pillow and crying, I was easily offended by anyone and anything. 

Postnatal depression is not just mere two words, it is a deep pit. To each new mother it has a varied depth. My body seemed to collapse under the weight of postpartum hormones when my husband had to fly back for his work and after few days later my sister and friend had to leave too. In the week followed my younger twin had episodes of seizures again and had to be admitted back in the hospital. While I was still processing the whole thing my furchild Goofy who was with me for 13 years of my life became very sick and we lost him the day my son got discharged from the hospital, as if he was just waiting for him to say goodbye. 

Loosing him was like a hard kick in the gut and it felt like the pit was getting deeper with every passing time and it seemed impossible to find my way out of it. The little sleep I used to get were theft by my anxiety attacks. My anxiety used to make me jerk awake my babies from sleep fearing that they are not breathing. My mother had to scold me and ask me to sleep in other room while she look over boys. There were days I searched for the answers and wondered if I would ever be well, laugh easily and truly thrive and be functional ever again.

I was genuinely blessed that my mother and my doctor aunt who did my delivery had an understanding of the urgency of the situation and were wise enough for not wasting time and get me a sitting with clinical psychologist and Perinatal mental health fellow. I took an ayurvedic treatment simultaneously and all of that helped me in volumes. From being a sobbing mess to being fully functional mother where feeding my boys, bathing them, changing diapers, playing with them didn't fell on like mountain of a task. I started enjoying my mothership and it was clearly reflecting as I was getting to see my boys gummy smiles and hear their giggles more often.

Postpartum depression is very real and very risky and it needs to be acknowledged and worked upon seriously. The sensitization of the family of the new mother is a first step towards the progress. The maternity hospitals need to hire clinical psychologist for compulsory sessions for a new mother. Postpartum depression is something which everyone are aware of but refuse to register it in a helpful way. Telling a new mother who is mostly paranoid shutting her down by telling her that it is just your hormones doesn't help. The hormones going for a roller coaster ride needs to be settled down for which we need professional help.

If you are having baby blues please don't suffer alone. Tell your loved ones and please call your doctor because every mother deserves to enjoy her motherhood and every child deserves a happy mother.

Jaskiran Gulria

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